LA(me) MEN

[as in lame, not a me ref]

Since moving to Los Angeles, I have observed a strange tendency for much older men to attempt to flirt with me, often inappropriately.  I'm not talking a few, or even ten years, but 15 and up.  Daddy age.  I highly doubt that it is just me experiencing this repulsive phenomena, and know for a fact that I'm not projecting anything to welcome these sorts of encounters.

I've been trying to figure out what has lent them the entitlement to act like shitheads, but I haven't gained any ground.  They aren't even very powerful people who are used to some objectionable practices with young girls in exchange for a share of their "glory" (which is really sick, but I can understand it).

And it's been fine up to this point with me deflecting occasional run ins with these characters, but recently I received a note from one.  Without going into details, I will say that I gave benefit of the doubt and didn't cast him as a neanderthal, but just a little weird. Unfortunately, it's apparently unwise to give this cerebral allowance to any 40+ men out here. After suspiciously and begrudgingly accepting a social network request, it was shortly followed up with a creepy message that denied being creepy.  Yah.  That fooled me.

I seriously don't understand. I realize that these men are idiots, but I feel extremely insulted because for me to be interested in them would require me to be even more of a fuckwit.  Gee,  I'd really love to date some skeezy old guy. Where are they reading this from?  I need Sarah Mclach. on the case. Talk about building a mystery...

All I want to do is to project a threatening air towards the bastards.  I would also like it if I could find an eerie way to make them sorry for ever trying, and shake them into behaving like nice adults that only pursue people within their ten year age bracket.

If I uncover more information concerning this, I will update.

You take the funn out of funny and you leave me asking y?

Read this pretending you are a slam poet. 

What A Fool Believes

One night, after having a few drinks with friends and getting a ride, this song came on the radio.  I love this song.  It possesses some sort of inexplicable, mystical power over me.

Unfortunately, my abiding love for this song was trumped by the majority.

But tonight, I persuade you to take a listen and ponder the title in relation to my friends' harsh judgement of this masterpiece....

On a less depressing note...

I realized that I couldn't just leave the last post as is.  I don't take back anything, but alone it isn't an all-encompassing truth or a manifestation of my personal philosophy on life.

And as shallow as I pretend to not be and then pretend again to be online, John Cage (The Biscuit) is not the only thing that inspires me, even if I wish he were real and my friend.

The truth is that finding something to emotionally motivate you is difficult unless it's anger.  Anger is immediate and aggressive and active.  Compassion/sympathy aren't normally.  But it doesn't make anger the better motivator; in fact, it's just a fleeting, intensified feeling that produces under hope of destruction.  And I can't enjoy any accomplishment when my feelings are emulsified in bitterness and revenge.

I should just go ahead and submit this two-post epiphany to The Count de Monte Cristo's cliffnotes.

I've been writing, but I haven't fully finished any thoughts or anything substantial, so maybe I'll just post singular thoughts as they come to me, and then eventually progress from there.


I was thinking about how hatred/anger is such an incredible motivator for me. (Cue the Carrie music...) But seriously, I can get so much done and do it so well if I'm picturing my success to be devastating to someone I dislike.  And then when you do defeat whatever or whoever it is- it's such a major endorphin release.  Not only is this a common feeling for the person experiencing the inspirational rage, but vicariously other people experience it.  I feel good if I see someone really annoying get punched in the face or publicly humiliated.


Love and compassion, however, is usually just an annoyance.  If someone asks me to do something because they care about me, it's usually offensive or comes across as patronizing.  But if someone tells me I can't do something, I will do anything in my power to prove them wrong.


All that to say, I was a lot more productive and focused when I was bitter.


And since I almost ended on that note, but thought it seemed a bit Debby Downer, I guess I'll have to something that inspires me now:

I couldn't find a good video, but pretty much anything the Biscuit does.

Nothing's Right I'm Torn

Blog.  Twelve (tween!) years after it’s coined and it still makes me think *middleager, desperately seeking solace.  That or xanga fla$hB@Ck!!  My zanga was called SoLauraWaits.  Seriously.  What I was waiting for, I couldn’t tell you.

So amidst suffering the shame/embarrassment of a past fling with self-indulgent ranting and picture posting on **xanga, and upon reading blogs and judging their narcissism and ignorant twittering, I’ve resolved to:

1) Attempt to be less judgy 

2) Appreciate the possibilities. 

Reasons why I don’t blog:

1) Vanity of vanities.

2) Computers are soul-suckers.  Someone write a scifi orginal movie now.
3) Like I need my ignorant A broadcasting on the web.

4) Privacy issues. As a paranoid child I believed in men-in-vents. Imagine the implications on my adult life.

5) Copycats. Cause I’m like sooo original.  Though, truly they’re a major annoyance of mine.  Youngest children, you probably get me.

6) Writing in a real journal cooler than typing on a .com

7) Internet peeps are losers

8) More important things to do (like finish Felicity on netflix...)
9) Stalkers (real xanga stalker in high school. And you know I'm toootally stockable) 
10) I don’t like people assuming things about me or presuming to know me because of something I write.  Misinterpret this! (see Forgot About Dre lyrics)

11) Often I tackily say whatever I want in the moment. Maybe more easily forgettable/forgivable in real life, but in the interweb once it’s out there, it’s out there sucka!

12) In my entrepreneurial spirit- what do I have to gain?

13) The feeling that I’m contributing to a culture that lives, loves, breathes internet.  And feeding pervasive loneliness and human isolation.

Reasons why I should:

1) Yes it’s totally vain.  But maybe my other reasons make it less vain.

2) It is what it is.  I don’t live in the 90s anymore and this is how things happen now.  :(

3) I’m not going to allow it to overpower my lifestyle (real life living will always>the matrix).

4) Sorry Thoreau, but you didn’t change history by merely traipsing around in the woods. You published.  In other words, information should be shared, not guarded.

5) I started reading blogs.  I find cool stuff, cool ideas, etc and maybe I can give someone else cool ideas or at least contribute to some sort of cerebral stimulation.

6) It’s all been done.  Even if I finally achieve a truly original thought and someone is phony enough to copy me, whatever.  Besides, I kinda already gave up on nonconformity ideals when I was 15 and realized punks all dress the same, listen to the same music, etc…***

7) Need to destroy my collegy attitude of ownership of things I love.  Such as: “I totally heard of that first.”  “I showed you that!” etc…  I’m happy to make someone else excited about things, but the moment they spread the word and don’t give me credit, I get totally pissed.  I need to get over this.

8) I enjoy writing.  I would like to get better at it.  Practice practice practice! Right?....

9) I enjoy art.  Right now I have no one encouraging me to do it (accountability)

10) Kinda-form of external processing.  I’ll take more of that wherever I can get it

11) Possible desire for validation.  Geeze I hope not…

12) Opportunity to exercise self control.  Also, now I can finally b#### about everyone. 

13) In my entrepreneurial spirit- professional development! networking! Ads=Income$! Check out my etsy! (jk)

14) I am never in control of people’s perception of me and anyway who cares?

15) Keep up with friends!  Ha okay, not really.

16) Chance to explore and understand the human condition, the pervasiveness of loneliness, and anything else interesting.  Also, wax-poetic and wax-philosophic to impress people.

Annnnd now that I've finished Natalie Imbrguglia-ing, I've decided to start this.

*Nothing against middle-agers.  Love `em.  Screw our youth-centric culture.  Seriously.

**Has since been deleted- thank God and ummm thanks for the warning, xanga- now I can never reminisce...

***that being said- plagiarism is lame/disgusting and people that copy are lazy/boring.

Motivation

I find it difficult to stay intensely focused/passionate about one thing.  If there's one thing I envy in other people, it's definitely single-mindedness.

Part of it is that I'm fascinated by a lot of things and generally tend to consider everything I want to learn of equal value or importance.  Not by value or principle, but intrinsically in the time I allow whatever happens to pique my interest.

Also I spend a lot of time pondering the universe, the bigger picture, the relativity and meaning of everything.  I usually end up coming to the same terms with the writer of Ecclesiastes "everything is utterly meaningless in life".  Finally vexed enough with my paralysis to do anything productive with this outlook, I consulted what the author had to say about the meaning of life.  Generally- he said everything is meaningless- so just enjoy it for what it is, while it is.

But more importantly "Whatever your hand finds to do- do it with all your might, for in the grace, where you are going, there is neither working, nor planning, nor knowledge, nor wisdom."

That's enough validation for me right now.